R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Showing vs Telling

I was taught by the generations before us to be respectful by greeting them and others my senior by their relation to me. I think this is pretty common among the Asian communities.

I guess the more specific thing is that I was raised in a way that dismisses my feelings from a time when I didn’t even know how to manage difficult emotions yet. As children, I can see for myself now having C that it’s so easy to just tell them what we want them to do at any given moment (For example: You met Aunty A and Uncle B at the mall. You immediately interrupt whatever she’s doing, with zero regard to how she feels about it, then tell her off: “Say hi to aunty and uncle!”).  This can be really toxic. And I know it comes from good intentions. I grew up that way, and I have no control over myself because free play is nonexistent and I have to do whatever my parent wants me to do no matter how I feel, so that parent A is happy and parent B pays more attention to me.

Whenever I have this urge to just tell off my kid whenever I wish they’d do something else, I remind myself how Jesus showed his love for the world during his time on earth in addition to clear instructions. There was more of a showing on his part rather than telling. The part that convicts the Christian faith for generations was his showing rather than his telling. And I immediately divert from the urges of my old nature to work on bettering myself at being respectful so that whenever C has the opportunity to see me as an example, she learns respect by example.

I’m not saying I’ve always done that. Most people in general take the easy route to just tell off their kids, and if they do not obey, they’ll just say it harder and louder as if the children did not hear them. This is not a pretty habit to have. Sometimes I am guilty of that because my old nature has adopted this example from my own parents. This habit has even crept up between me and my husband whenever we are in an argument. Whenever I feel he wasn’t listening to anything I’ve been saying, my voice gets higher and louder by one volume, even though in my mind I know that’s not the tone to get your message audible for any listener. It’s frustrating enough for anyone to not feel heard; it’s toxic to ask your kid to do something they don’t yet understand or worse, haven’t seen you done it before, all the while suppressing every other childlike feelings of joy, pleasure, curiosity and surprise just for the sake of satisfying their parents.

I remember I didn’t like one of my mom’s girlfriends and that my mom revealed to me that she doesn’t like her either. But we never really discussed about “negative” emotions before and work through it together. Her belief in life is to just bear with it because “that’s life”. It’s the hardest thing to do, even for adults – to respectfully listen to the intentions behind disrespectful tone and words or when you don’t feel like listening—or even just respecting the people you don’t like.

I’ve had my guardian back in Singapore once told me that she had a friend who had her daughter gone through eight full years of piano lessons even when she didn’t like it, only to graduate with the completed 8-grade certificates and shoving those papers to her mom’s hands while saying, “Here. This is what you want, right?”

Every day my prayers to God include getting more wisdom so that I have a good direction on raising C. And wisdom is tough when the tests God wants you to go through are this specific. Doesn’t mean that I have graduated at this. There will be days when I fall off the wagon and back in the lower grounds of sin that for most of my life I’ve lived in. But in my weakest natures he could still perfect me as a testimony to his name. So there’s a lot of room for me to wiggle around and keep me motivated to learn and teach respect.

Thanks for reading.

Dear C: Love is Not a Single-Celled Organism

Way before our marriage, mommy asked daddy an important question that's going to determine the love that's going to cement the foundation of our family: 

Can we just be together and not give a care about the world?

Mommy already knew the answer. The answer is, of course, a no, albeit a sympathetic one. 

Why, my dear? Why do you have to give a care about the world around you, especially when you're currently placed in a situation or an environment where you feel like you don't quite fit in?

The simple answer is because you are living in it.

Look around you. You are blessed with the roof over your head and the meals on your plate and the clothing you are putting on right now. Where do these resources come from? The world. The people around you. Your neighbours, your friends, even your enemies.

Yes, mommy and daddy are the ones providing them all for you. But we aren't carpenters or cooks or dressmakers. We aren't it all, we can't do it all, and we're definitely not perfect. 

I know it hurts. The last thing you want to do is reach out to the one who hurts you in vulnerability, even when you've done no wrong. But love lives not in isolation but in relationships. We need the people around us to work together so that important things can get done, even when we don't always like it.

Look at Father. He gave his only Son to the world, who is the most precious part of himself, so that those who believe in His Love and his sincerity will live. 

What if Jesus never finished God's plan while he was on earth? We will still be perpetually fighting our inner demons by ourselves, for ourselves, not giving two cents about the people around us ... and without realizing it, we're on the road to self-destruction. He took it all out on himself in victory.

So remember this: To love is to give. A mature response to loving people and hateful people is to equally act in their best interest. It is not your responsibility to make them love you back, nor it is your responsibility to justify yourself, or to convince others into believing in your story and embracing your uniqueness. That is a job fit only for the creator of the world. 

How to Be Social Without Compromising Yourself

The people who know me well know that I'm the very definition of an introvert. More often than not people I've met from some social function or when I'm without my husband around think I'm an extrovert. But really, I'm a clam. There is nothing else that drains the energy out of me more than having to deal with small talk. It's like throwing the metaphorical "How are you" ball to another person and giving them the responsibility to pass it back to you. All you are doing during the average conversation is passing it back and forth until somebody runs out of something to say and drops the ball. The worst kind of small talks are akin to having to hear somebody laughing off your just-open vulnerability and mindlessly saying, "Don't worry, be happy!!!" to you, and try as you might to give this acquaintance a certain level of trust by opening up about your ordeal with mental illness, they are either too ignorant about your situation (because it's always easier to judge you a certain way and be lazy about understanding you more) or too afraid of a more intimate level of connection because should they decide to be more than your acquaintance, they would carry the long-term responsibility to look after you.

I know you can hear the tinge of resentment in my voice. After all I'm speaking from experience. Point is, engaging in small talks can be dreadful.

Well, here's the thing: You have to interact every so often with people in order to build rapport. That's how the world works. As much as I hate how small talks actually hinder real connection, people just can't open up with you right away, especially if you haven't got the chance to prove that you are trustworthy. And unfortunately, it's the frequency that counts at first and not the depth of each interaction over time.

So, instead of expecting the other person to throw all the niceties out of the window just like that, I've recently formed a 4-step strategy for myself to be more sociable, yet still be truly who I am (rather be left alone with books, snuggled up, with a cup of tea).

1. Know yourself.

Know your limits, and more importantly accept those limits. Just because that's how the world operates doesn't mean you have to compromise your values and change who you are. If you are a uni-tasker, don't multi-task. If you know you'll choke when eating while talking, don't talk while eating. And if you're more deadline-driven than people-driven, don't let your people-oriented weakness overshadow your self-leadership strengths. I know all these seem super straightforward, but ultimately, you can always work on your so-called weaknesses later, because the world needs more of your best than your second-rate values. Plus, speaking from a purely economic standpoint, it's better to invest in your strengths rather than neglecting them and spend the rest of your time covering the debts of your weaknesses.

2. Get out of your head.

That said, be the first to believe in the best in people. This was personally the hardest for me, and I know some of you probably had tough experiences in the past with broken trust as well, or had an upbringing that taught you to distrust strangers like I had, but I've learned that you can learn to trust again by giving trust first. Not all-out, suddenly you're my BFF kind of trust, but I-know-I-can-count-on-you-not-messing-this-particular-thing-up kind of trust. Open only as much as you are comfortable with. Once you do that, you'll see it's perfectly okay to be vulnerable, to own up to your sensitivity/quirk. What's not okay is to protect your feelings so much that you're willing to walk all over everyone else just because that's how YOU operate. Hate to break this to you, but the world doesn't revolve around you. So get out of your own head and look into the world with fresh perspectives, and the only way to do that is to voluntarily put yourself into another's shoes. In this ever-evolving world, you will always have something to learn. Everybody is an expert at something, and you know don't know everything.

3. Prioritize your quiet time.

If there's one thing you should guard like a faithful dog, it's your quiet time. Most people call it "me time", others "personal time", "downtime", etc. This is where you literally recharge. You read, you meditate, study the Bible, binge-watch your favorite TV show, take long baths, whatever. Do whatever it takes to re-center yourself. If you need to turn off your phone at certain hours, do so. If you need to turn down B-Priority invitations in order to save up for the A-Priorities, do so. The point is you respect your own limits: Don't schedule another meetup or meeting right after a huge work/social event. You know you're going to be the weird awkward gal creeping behind other people if a) you dread these kind of functions in the first place and b) all your energy has ran out from the hullabaloo the day before. Leave aside a day or two (or even a week) of "recovery" until you know you're ready to run again and give your all, lest you spread yourself too thin from running too long on empty.

4. Never settle.

Speaking of giving your all, never settle for anything less than your best. This, in my personal worldview, is the true definition of a life of service. Everyone including yourself deserves to enjoy you at your best. Not the rainbow-peeing Pollyanna and her sunshine-and-lollipops-world best (that's the popular mythology we easily fall for; prevalent in advertisements), but your best given any particular situation you're in. Your best as in letting your most authentic self shine, stripped off all social masks we habitually put on in front of others everyday. Make it a point everytime that when you do go out into the world and interact with other people, use those stored energy of yours from your quiet time and give your 100% to each and every person you meet. Because at the end of your life, it's not the number of heads in the crowd at your funeral that matters - it's what the few people who truly know you and still love you that matters. At least, that's what me and most introverts I know do better than winning over as many people as possible.

A Girl's Best Friend: The Tess Brookes' Guide to Leaning In and Living Out Your Best Life

A Girl's Best Friend by Lindsey Kelk

MAJOR CAREER ADVICE

"Tess is going to shoot Sadie and James tomorrow," Angela explained. "She's a lifesaver."

from the look on Cici's face, I had to assume she did not agree.

"Angela, I know it's Christmas," she replied without taking her eyes off me. "And it's time for charity and all, but do you really think this is a good idea? Can we really not find a professional?"

If we hadn't been on the millionth floor of a skyscraper in the middle of Manhattan, I would have dug a hole in the ground, crawled into it and tried my very hardest to die. All the fight and fire I'd felt while convincing Angela to take a chance on me melted away in front of this very mean girl.

"So much of getting ahead nowadays is believing in yourself and you seemed pretty bloody convinced of yourself in my office yesterday or I wouldn't have given you the job. You can't let someone like Cici bring you down. There are an awful lot of those in this world."

"We can sit here all night and kiss your ass. But if you just want to wallow, there's nothing anyone can do for you."

"There are going to be a lot of people telling you you're shit, either because they're jealous of you or because they really think it. You have to be able to go out there with your photos and say, "oi you, look at my photos, they're amazing," no matter what anyone else says, not only when people are nice to you."

Guest Post: On Relationships, Getting Married, And How I Know She's the One. [Migrated Post]

Note: It’s close to a week left before the wedding now, and I feel it’s the perfect time to reflect on how far me and 10 have come, because, let me tell you, it wasn’t easy to transition ourselves into the marriage milestone. We want to tell our story because it may help you figure out where you should be heading next in your current relationship, particularly those of you who are still pondering whether the man/woman you’re with is someone you can’t live without. This post is very special for me, as it was written by my soon-to-be husband. Hope you enjoy, and thanks for reading~ 

Before meeting Stacia, I have always thought that I would never get married. Because whenever I get heartbroken or get unrequited love from the girl I am interested in, I would always step up my expectations from the next girl I am going to date.

My list of criteria went like this:

1. Has to be tall

2. Has to be fair skin

3. Has to be adorable

4. Has to be slim

5. Has to have long legs

6. Has to live relatively near my house

7. Accept me for who I am

8. More importantly, has to love God

9. As a bonus, please be pretty …

I knew I was in trouble… I became critical with every girl I’m introduced to. I judged them before I even tried spending time with them… All because of the criteria I have set and I strictly followed them. I almost gave up….

But God is always kind to me. His favor never seems to stop, no matter how many times I have disappointed him. A girl was introduced to me… not as someone meant to be a potential girlfriend, but just as an acquaintance.

Stacia has fulfilled all the criteria, including the bonus, except the most important one: Does she love God or not? It turns out she didn’t… (at least not yet)

God didn’t stop there… In the past, if I found out the one I am interested in has a different faith, I stop pursuing. I didn’t want to be troubled with potential issues in the future that comes with faith differences. But this time, I couldn’t seem to stop thinking about her. I decided to take the risk – I confessed to her while making it very clear how serious and devoted I am about my faith, and will never leave Him no matter what.

After some consideration, she agreed to be my girlfriend. A feeling that I have not felt for almost a decade has finally returned to me and I forgot how it felt… a mutual love. What about the faith differences? Without me even mentioning anything, she followed me to church and started learning more about Him. Again, without me even saying anything to her, she decided on her own to get baptized, fulfilling the last the criterion I have set. 

"Instead of thinking negatively about our differences, we think about how we can change, tolerate more, and adapt to accept each other’s differences."

Even though being with her has made the happiest moments of my life, I have to admit that those are not easy and smooth-flowing times. We are two very different persons, from different family backgrounds, cultures, and mindsets. It was hard to be a bridge between the two parties. I have to be a good, respectful son and brother, while at the same time I have to be a loving, understanding boyfriend and now… a future husband.

We always argue due to disagreements that arise from our differing mindsets, differing social and cultural beliefs, and differing ways of life. It’s not an easy task to merge my 30-year’s worth of teaching and experiences with a totally different 25-year’s worth of teaching and experiences. We hurt each other a lot. We made each other cry. But what I love in our relationship is that God never let us become separated. He intervenes when the problems get too serious and reminds us why we are together. We fix our problems. We find solutions. We make up.

Time came when I have to make the ultimate decision… the most important decision of my entire life… The proposal. I asked God, family, friends, and everyone else about this. What to consider, what to think, what to prepare. I was planning to propose after 2 years of dating, but I decided to rethink and get prepared for another year just to be extra sure and clear out any doubts. True enough, I only became more confident about making her my wife as I love her even more, not like a girlfriend-boyfriend love, but a lifetime-partner love. I proposed.

Post-proposal didn’t make our relationship less harder. We fought about even more serious stuff, sacrificed more, stretched comfort zones, increased expectations, faced with greater responsibilities, and got to know even more about each other… the good and the bad and yet more differences. But having gone through all that is proof to me… a proof of commitment and love towards each other. We worry about each other and only want what’s best for both of us. It is tiring and frustrating at times, but we make it through it all, thanks to God who continually binds us to become stronger than ever. These days, instead of thinking of breaking up after each major fight, we calm down, try to understand each other, and work together to find a solution. Instead of thinking negatively about our differences, we think about how we can change, tolerate more, and adapt to accept each other’s differences. All this will not go this beautifully unless God’s hand is working amongst us.

And here we are… Just a few days from being married… Who would have thought that I would get married when I was still in my position and situation a few years back before I met Stacia? I was picky and difficult when it comes to love – I won’t consider any further if I can’t picture myself with a girl in the future. Who would have thought that I would meet a girl of my dreams who accepts me, cares for me, and loves me? Who else would take me on this adventure, to laugh and to cry with me, even sharing my burdens? It has been a difficult process, a journey with plenty of turbulence, but with God’s grace and strength, we flew past through it all and has now arrived at our destination, embarking upon a whole new adventure.

A Divorced Man Wrote These 20 Epic Marriage Advice He Wished He Could Have Had [Migrated Post]

Recently stumbled upon this post around Tumblr. Thought I might find it useful for future reference.

MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:

“Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different: After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…”
– Gerald Rogers

1. NEVER STOP COURTING. NEVER STOP DATING. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. FALL IN LOVE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. ALWAYS SEE THE BEST IN HER. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER. Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY. Take full accountability for your own emotions. It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. NEVER BLAME HER IF YOU GET ANGRY. NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them: when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. ALLOW YOUR WOMAN TO JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you: DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. BE SILLY. Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. FILL HER SOUL EVERY DAY. Learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY. To carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. DON’T BE AN IDIOT. Don’t be an idiot and don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. GIVE HER SPACE. The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing. Okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.

15. BE VULNERABLE. You don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING: Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK: If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER. The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE… In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

“In the end, MARRIAGE isn’t about “Happily ever after.” It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.”

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

“If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.”

The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in the marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN - THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

The People You Keep And Don't [Migrated Post]

I didn’t used to be this picky when it comes to friends. I’m now hyperaware of how much this person knows me and how much that person doesn’t know what. I’d gauge whether a new person would understand (or at least be willing to understand) for a very long time. In some cases, years … before I finally open up - or not.

Because it’s not good to be who you’re not. I was always more reserved anyway.

There were episodes in my life where I pushed myself to be friendly and open to everyone. To “exist” at least within my circle. They always lasted for a time, and then I would burn out and recede for a longer time than I did “exist”. And everyone would ask why I’m so weird, so anti-social, so emo and then go thinking that for some inexplicable reason, I never wanted to have anything to do with them again. They would reflect, think only as far as their logic would take them, conclude that they’ve done nothing wrong, immediately put the blame on me and then secretly closed the case forever. That would mean when they see me in public, they’d pretend they’ve never known me.

I mean, they never did but, you get what I mean.

Each time these “hello-i-exist-k-thx-bye” episodes end, reality strikes back, that I have no real friends I could actually count on, and that when I no longer exist, no one would really care. It would just be a millisecond’s *POOF!* and then the world will be done with my nonsense.

Except now … Life is getting less and less burdensome. A lot of it has been lifted by my Savior. He died instead of me. I still cannot fathom the reality of it. That without having me to meet people and push myself to be “out in the open” with all my energy again, there are surprisingly many people who show their faces in my life by chance … and voluntarily stick by choice. Just the fact that they would take the risk to get close to the embodiment of disappointment … it’s unbelievable. A few heads I can count. Not many in the traditional sense, but I consider more than 2 being a lot.

You can have as many Facebook friends as you want, but if you can name the people you can call when you’re dying and know you’re not burdening them in any way, shape, or form, you are truly blessed.

History vs Today

My history with relationships has conditioned me to forget friendships and rest the case with the fact that people are people - in the end, you can only depend on yourself. Especially in this day and age, nobody’s really looking out for you and perpetually only thinking WIIFM in any kind of relationship. Most are quick to judge, label your difference, choose to gossip, form opinions, and spread weird theories about you even when they’ve never really questioned themselves whether they really know you, or even question their understanding of themselves. The quickest and easiest way to get people to like you is to be genuinely interested in listening to their story. But, if you don’t reciprocate the openness, some people would just be quick to say there’s something wrong with you. What they don’t realize is that the only person who’s been talking all along is them.

It’s different now. I wasn’t this conscious in choosing people. It’s been a tough journey because placing total trust in myself also tend to backfire - that’s a whole ‘nother story. But at least I know now for sure that there are heads I can depend my life on. I’m not alone.

What's In It For Me? [Migrated Post]

When I just got married to my husband, I remember resting my head on his shoulder, asking him this one question: “Can we stay like this forever and not have to care about the world?”

“Of course not, babe,” he replied gently. Silly me. But isn’t that what most people think of marriage, that you go on spending the rest of your lives in a tiny secluded island, start living your little happily-ever-afters and leaving behind all the care in the world? “As long as we’re here on earth, we have to attend to it, with other people, living and breathing among them.”

Truth is, I went into marriage fully believing that we’re not meant to be happy. Instead, we’re meant to be holy. And by holy I mean becoming better people who loves choosing to do what’s right more than anything else - even more than we love each other, even more than we love ourselves.

But choosing to do what’s wrong is often what we end up doing. Quick, convenient, risk-free, must get happy NOW and utterly egocentric. Sans deliberation, sans elaboration, sans precision of thought.

For so long, this world has conditioned us to think we deserve to be served rather than serving others. That we can make a god of ourselves through technology. Big, lofty ideas to make yourself look big, when all you’re doing is fooling yourself. Even if you choose the latter, i.e. to serve, your natural reaction is “What’s in it for me?” (WIIFM)

Problems accumulate from there. The seed of separation is the fatal WIIFM. And I’m scared if one day our arguments can heat up so much that it tears us into two again. Two separate units, two estranged entities, two spare parts that can no longer function unless they rewire themselves into one thing again; something - anything.

The Goal of Marriage [Migrated Post]

I truly believe the saying that goes, it’s better to stay single for the rest of your life than to get into a bad marriage. Compatibility alone doesn’t secure you lifelong marital bliss. Every one of us is so different that we’re not naturally compatible with each other unless we’re willing to make the effort to get to know each other, find common grounds, form relationships, enter fellowship, and make an alliance. You are always going to have disagreements with people because of your differences, but if you commit to sticking together through the test of time, both of you win.

There was a life-turning challenge that I took on recently, now that we’re a month into our marriage. During the first few weeks, we both responded to the incessant question “How’s married life?” with nothing but a candid “No difference than when we’re still dating.” It’s true. Even now, I can honestly say there isn’t much that’s changed if we’re strictly referring to our day-to-day lives. But if you rewind to a couple of weeks ago, something did took a huge turn. At least, for me.

Hubby and I went into a huge argument during the last days before we move in to our new home. I’m not here to speak details, but I was largely to blame. He showed anger, hurt, disappointment, fear, and sadness all at once. As he went on communicating his unmet needs and resulting feelings more, I began to understand the point … his point, the point of marriage, the point of us, him and me, together. Out of all the emotions he felt, I was quickest to respond to his sadness. If it wasn’t for this argument, I wouldn’t know I would get this sad if I see him sad. It was also this argument that finally changed how I see him. Since the day we stood at the altar, his feelings are no longer his own, just as my feelings are no longer just mine. Before walking down the aisle, I could hurt myself all I want and cry till dawn, and it’s still nobody else’s business. I certainly didn’t have to think much about anyone else’s pain, nor do I have to hold it together for anyone else, because it’s all about managing your own life and your emotions. But now, I realized that this kind of mentality is the very foundation that develops into a bad marriage.

 
But while I was busy protecting my feelings and preventing myself from getting hurt, I couldn’t see the truth of the matter, that both of us are happier when we’re together than when we’re alone.

There was a time when I consciously chose to be single. During this time, I’ve set in stone to face the rest of my life with a one-person psychological thinking. I left no room for reliance and vulnerability. It took time from making this conviction to finally “opening up” to hubby, my then boyfriend, during our first years together, to trust him, communicate my needs, and to just stop being so difficult and egotistical. In the 4.5 years of our relationship before marriage, he’s constantly attacked by the guards I’ve held up so high around myself. Even though I was technically “with him”, I wasn’t at heart. The one thing I’ve never dared to hope for was believing in a safe and secure confidant, the kind of relationship I’ve always wanted to be in, but had decided then that it only existed in my dreams. Thing is I was okay alone, and that he was fairly happy by himself and his video games. But while I was busy protecting my feelings and preventing myself from getting hurt, I couldn’t see the truth of the matter, that both of us are happier when we’re together than when we’re alone. 

Engagement gift for le hubby~

Why marry? I asked. What’s the point? What’s the purpose of coupling at all? “So that we can build a harmonious family,” he assured me. What is harmony in the first place, you say? Harmony = Happy TOGETHER my husband reassured me. He then placed his hands on my shoulders and looked at me in the eye. “We are together now, no longer two, but one,” he went on. “So no one, not even you or me, can separate us.”

Funny how it’s only dawning on me now that I’m married – like, married married. And truth is, the sanctity of this union is at an all-time low in our culture today, so much so that you see more people making fun of the dreariness and displeasures of marital life (and consequently the glamorization of the cool, casual, and freewheeling single life) than they do emphasizing the true happiness as a result of the constitution. But know this: The key word of our motto isn’t the ‘happy’ – it’s our ‘together’-ness.

Just as you strive for win-win deals with others in your business, marriage takes teamwork. The challenge, living in the kind of society we’re in today, is to not let others woo you into thinking you and your spouse are so different that you cannot be on the same team. This also happens when you focus too much on the ‘happy’-ness than the ‘together’-ness, because what’s happening is that you’re letting your pride take the lead. This ego-based psychological system has broken hearts, ruined relationships, and caused unnecessary divorces. Because when one of you “loses”, it’s just personal pride that wins the moment, but you as one and as a whole lose more in the long run.

Thanks to our permanent union, we become better humans as a couple just as well as we are as individuals, because when I see him grin his widest grin, the whole world is alright.

How to Create Happy Memories [Migrated Post]

I Know How She Does It by Laura Vanderkam, page 127-128

Fortunately, being mindful of your time – making a commitment to be there physically and mentally and enjoy life while doing so – makes memories possible. We control a lot less about our children’s outcomes in life than we think. They are their own people. But one thing parents do shape is whether kids remember their childhoods as happy. Creating a happy home is a conscious choice, as is creating a happy marriage.

Last Thoughts of A Man In Love Before He Goes To Bed [Migrated Post]

Grey by E. L. James, page 529

Lying in my bed, I pray for a dreamless sleep . . . but if I am to dream, I want to dream of her.

Love Lessons I Learned From Premarital Guidance [Migrated Post]

Last month, my fiance and I went into a premarital counseling program at our church. It consists of a 6-week, once-a-week educational course as well as a private counseling session. The overall goal of the program was to introduce newlyweds into the institution of marriage according to Christ, as well as a vast array of skills each couple needs to adopt going into the life-long commitment.

I want to share some of the most poignant lessons that hit us on the road, as all of these apply to secular marriages as well. I thought it’d be helpful for those of you looking to get yourself ready for marriage, or just any other long-term partnerships. 

1. Family matters the most to God. It’s the whole reason he sent Jesus Christ to bring you back to Him (John 3:16).

2. No matter what happens, decide now that divorce is never, ever, ever an option (Matthew 19:6). You and your spouse will be leaving your respective families to unite and become one in flesh, bind by the Spirit. Marriage is a sanctity, and whoever separates the bond is essentially bringing your new family down from grace (Mark 10:9).

3. The kind of love that lasts for eternity has all three components from Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love:

• Intimacy
• Passion
• Commitment

4. As with all kinds of relationships, communication is vital – both verbal and nonverbal. Little things like touching, smiling, mimicking each others’ gestures and maintaining eye contact add up. In the same vein, verbalize your thoughts and feelings. It’s important for the both of you to be on the same wavelength.

How to Get Him to Become Your Personal Mind-Reader [Migrated Post]

This is a satirical piece I'm writing for fun, to be taken with a grain of salt, based on my personal experience in communicating effectively as a woman. Enjoy~

Start by telling him what you want. Why you were angry last Tuesday night, how you’re not asking for his solutions and just his ears, and what you want to have for dinner on Valentine’s Day. If you don’t know exactly what you want, just break the silence. Tell him all the choices you have on your plate. Let him speak his mind. Stop him from thinking you’re giving him the silent treatment for some mysterious reason. Choices aside, it’s probably not the best idea to push all the decision-making responsibilities to your man. You and him, it’s a two-way street.

Whenever he disappoints you and you’re all too tired to explain what looks like the most blatant mistake ever, think about the last time you disappointed him so much that he let out a big sigh. Yes, it’s one of those “Let me get some air” and “Can we talk about this later?”. We, unlike men, like to talk. The more heated we get, the more we want to scream, “Why can’t you understand? You’re supposed to get me!!” Men are a different breed. After hours of heat, they need to reset the logical parts of their brain, much like your computer needs to cool off after all the energy it has sustained. You will never realize this in the heat of the moment, but when you’re overwhelmed with emotions, a few rational thoughts can make huge amends.

Also, stop trying to make things seem obvious. What might seem obvious to you might not necessarily seem obvious him. Instead, clarify. If you want him to buy you a dress, don’t say, “That’s the prettiest dress I’ve ever seen!” Say, “I’d like to have that dress some day.” Rather than starting an argument about the prettiest dress the both of you have ever seen, let him know what is it about the dress that concerns you: You want to have it some day. It doesn’t matter if he thinks it’s pretty or you think it’s pretty. He cares about you, not the dress. Don’t make him care about the dress. You know you want it and you hope to own it. Say it like it is. Don’t expect him to know you want it by saying something that doesn’t concern you about the dress.

On your anniversary night, you’re lacquered in your most kissable gloss and divinely sculpted in a Herve Ledger. You were expecting him to kiss you, with tongue, good night before you slide out of his car, but he didn’t. You’re mad, you can’t believe it, you’re upset – but don’t fret yourself. If you’re so upset (and/or somewhere between angry and horny) that you can’t even, keep a quota of 3 unanswered calls and 3 unreplied texts. True, nonverbal communication is the majority (93%) of what gets said, but it doesn’t give you a license to expect him to do the exact thing you want him to do, done exactly the way you want it to be done. Even if you’ve looked the other way and gave one-word answers to show your discontent, you still need to verbalize exactly what’s on your mind, preferably as soon as possible. He may seem unaffected by all your efforts to look good that night, but you don’t know how hard he tried to control his stutters and shaky knees. It doesn’t help either that men can’t read body signals like women can.

So if you want it, just ask for it. Pick up his call, reply his text, and ask for that French kiss. Don’t let him misunderstand you, and don’t even begin to exceed the quota. The worst starts to happen when you pile up the rocks for up to a week. Weeks easily become months, months become years, and years become a lifetime. You don’t want to build a life of resentment, only to look back and see a mountain you can no longer move, all because of the darn kiss. And I know, the way I said it – asking for what you want – sounds completely unromantic. But have you got any idea how much of a turn-on is dirty talk to men? It doesn’t matter if it’s only the first anniversary or your 50th, or if it’s a dome or a megalith standing between the both of you – all you have to do is ask. Now’s the time.

Most important of all, learn to let go of all expectations and start the straight talking. Honestly, gently, and lovingly like a lady. Choose to let him know what’s on your mind as best as you can, because no matter how well you think you know your man or how well you want your man to know you, he’ll never fully understand you, even if he want to. As Harper Lee once said, you never really understand a person until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it. Likewise, you can’t, and will never, truly know what’s on his mind 99% of the time. Neither does his buddy nor his brother, and certainly not even you.

P.S. The truth about men and feelings.



Love, Stace

The Only Thing You Need to Consider When it Comes to Love [Migrated Post]

Most of us grew up with the idea that picking mates wisely means running with a comprehensive checklist whenever we’re getting to know our suitors: Good character, stable job, etc.

As a result, we build ourselves up along the way in order to meet those criteria. When we’re full-grown adults, we want to be equal to the partner we idealize in our heads.

But have you ever considered who’s going to be there when all else is gone?

Most things in life are fleeting. It’s like the unpredictability of the stock market: What goes up will eventually come down. When you’re not being very lovable, those times when you’re behaving like a child, when you no longer have your good job, good looks, good status and social standing to maintain, when you can no longer get up and move around on your own feet, who’s the one willing to be around?

I used to think it’s so important for my future spouse to have all the right things, all the enviable things. Things like wits, good looks, big humor, big vigor and big heart. But all that will never amount to anything if he isn’t the one who accepts every last trace of you as the love of his life.

So today, I’d like to suggest this: Find someone who will cherish you even at your worst. His presence will continue to inspire you to become your very best.



Love, Stace

Perks of Dating A Guy Who Reads [Migrated Post]

10 and I are currently reading Dan Brown’s latest opus, Inferno. We’re late, we’re aware of that, but it doesn’t make the book any less interesting.

This is not the first time he and I read something together. Toward the end of our LDR, we read the Fifty Shades trilogy together. We’d catch up on each other to see whether we’ve reached a particular point in the plot, and we’d share our opinions on the characters involved. He’d wish he was Christian Grey on his helicopter ride to SF, and I’d bitch about Elena. It was fun.

On this retrospect, I am blessed to be with a guy who reads. I ruminate upon past prospects who either don’t read, refuses to, or just can’t appreciate good literature, and I’m thankful for where I am today. I can’t imagine a relationship without the kind of connection and level of intimacy 10 and I have today. It’s deep, visceral, very much in touch with our instincts and complete with plenty of room to connect, relate, grow and love.

Growing up as an avid reader, I thought books are precisely the stuff I should be spending less time with in order to score that cool, sensitive guy ideal in my head. But according to new research, I’d have to thank my Hemingways, Orwells, Kafkas, Coelhos and the rest of the gang for my social life.

I know the Fifty Shades fluff and kink won’t exactly improve your smarts, but it doesn’t mean you should stop reading contemporary literature. Turns out it’s a great idea to finally get your hands on that reading list your English Lit teacher has bestowed upon you: Reading literary fiction, as opposed to pop fiction or serious nonfiction, really does cultivate better social skills (check out this NYTimes report). It just seems natural because you are following strong, three-dimensional characters around rather than sticking with a formulaic plot, enabling you to be more sensitive to the emotions of others around you:

The researchers say the reason is that literary fiction often leaves more to the imagination, encouraging readers to make inferences about characters and be sensitive to emotional nuance and complexity.

It took some time for 10 to discover the secret I’ve withheld from every guy I’ve dated – the secret that I read like a starving man eats burgers and that I have a fetish for talking nerdy. Instinctively I hide this side of myself from everyone, not just guys I have crushes on, because of the conventional wisdom that’s always stated that the bookish girls are straight losers. The stigma portrayed on popular media has stuck on to my psyche so strongly from such an early age that it’s still with me up to this day.

Thank God times have now changed, as nerds are now in (Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Larry Page, and other billionaires, to name a few). Slowly I let it loose and reveal the fact that I spend my downtime reading the latest research on neuroscience, watching documentaries on quantum physics, trying to understand the human experience and consciousness. It’s a lot for one guy to take in, but it didn’t happen overnight. 10 started it all when he casually told me he stayed up all night every year to watch the E3 Expo live. We’ve gone a long way from there. By now he’d already seen every bit of my nerdom and I his, and I learned that there’s nothing to hide about when in fact, there are many things to be thankful about.

Whether your crush, date, or husband collects the Everyman’s classics or thinks he’s the next Zuckerberg, here are some reasons why he’s the keeper for you:

He’s into you for the whole package – not just for the cover.

A cliche, I know, and okay, so maybe it all did start from the cover. Unless you’re a robot or a zombie, everyone has preconceived notions about a book by its cover. The design of your book jacket may be the first thing he saw at the storefront, but it’s your story that won his heart over. Sure, there’s the saying that goes all guys are visual creatures. Stories may come in intangible forms, but they’re treasures that contain life’s most valuable lessons. If there aren’t any, your story won’t be published in the first place. Chances are, the guy who reads is a lifelong learner. Whether you’re 116 pages long or 9,998, he’ll still carry you around to be his pillar for support, strength when he needs it, and a confidante when he filled you in on his Princess Leia fantasy.

He doesn’t objectify you.

When you thought he’s just another guy who only wants to get physical with you, he reels you in, cuddles you, and starts a debate that probes the validity of male chauvinism. He’ll make clever references to support his proposition from the stuff he’s read, seen or heard, then he asks for your take on the subject – even when you’re without your clothes on.

He preserves his inner child.

I’ve met a guy who outwardly has the whole package – i.e. ideal physical proportions (tall, dark, handsome and all) – but who refuses to watch a Pixar movie and other “kiddie movies” when he was out on a movie date with me. Of course, that was way back before Pixar was cool. Last I heard of him, he’s stealing girlfriends and has accumulated the beer belly.

No matter how tough life can get, it’s hard to knock down the guy who grew up with Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. If you look carefully, you’ll notice that men who take pride and stay in touch with their boyhood tend to be the ones who hold fast to his faith, still believing in miracles, and enjoy the wealth he’s accumulated later in life.

He’ll make the best partner in crime.

Uh huh, you’ll be the annoying couple who seems interested in just about everything from the sci-fi section all the way through the magazine rack, whispering sweet nothings to each other, coming up with ideas about your dreams, your passion, your future and all. You could make such a wonderful world together.

He doesn’t invade your privacy. 

… provided it’s just as you respect him and his manhood too. He understands how a person can be so engrossed in a Playboy issue, or Maxim, or Sports Illustrated.

No, seriously. Everybody needs space to recharge sometimes, perhaps with a good book or a bubble bath. Most guys haven’t the slightest clue when it comes to being protective of your feelings. Just because he’s an open book to you doesn’t mean you are ready to reciprocate, and of all people, he understands that takes time.

You’ll be surprised how much he knows you better than you think.

So you have a weird thing for vintage paperbacks, or perhaps a really soft spot for minted hot chocolate. Maybe it’s just the way you titter whenever he blows hot air to the nape of your neck, or the way you beam and curl your lips whenever he’s fed you something delish. He notices those things. ALL of them, especially the things you try hide. No matter how hard you work to project yourself as a non-weird, ladylike image, the guy who reads is bound to pick up the subtlest emotional nuances of the people around him.

{ For when he sees your face, he would be inventing ways to tell you how you complete him, or create scenarios of how life would be so wonderful with you. Thought Catalog }

He knows what he has.

That said, you’re the lost star of his nightstand, the book from his childhood he’s been looking for since forever, and that’s never going to change unless you tell him to.

… and he wants you to be you.

Either you spend the rest of your life trying to become the second-rate version of an existing bestseller, or you vow to be a kickass author of your own, it’s up to you, but if you must know, you are his muse, and he wants nothing more than you to write your heart out and ooze every iota of awesomeness you have onto the pages that lie ahead of you. Live out your fiction, for his wits, his charms, and everything else about him are the things he do in the hopes of becoming a big part of your book.

He’s never too tired run the extra mile just to figure you out.

No man ever walked on this planet has fully understood the “mechanics” of his other half – not even Einstein, not even Hawking. That’s because women weren’t made to be understood, but loved.

“Some men spend a lifetime in an attempt to comprehend the complexities of women,” said Einstein. “Others preoccupy themselves with somewhat simpler tasks, such as understanding the theory of relativity.”

Great men of history taught us that the well-read guy would go extraordinary lengths to cover all 9,998 pages of you. He’d be going word for word, searching for meaning and connecting the dots, only to find that the missing piece of his work is keeping you close to his heart.

He’ll be glad to spend the rest of his life trying to figure you out.

If after some years the guy who reads is still by your side, you’ve got yourself a keeper. By then, he knows it’ll take more than a lifetime for him to finish peeling those layers of you, even after your last pages has drawn to a close. In all the world’s irony, it’s the discovery, the unraveling, the amusement along the way as well as the onion tears from peeling all that tingling layers of you that drives the guy who reads to always come back to you and finally, settle for you.

Anything else I missed? Do share your thoughts below. Oh, wait. Do check out @HotDudesReading before anything else ;)



Love, Stace