How I Got Out of The Lion's Den

When I feel pulled in every direction, I lose myself, and the ruler of the world catches me. After breaking down, lying face up and drenching the sheets with my tears of guilt, shame, and regret, I look beyond the ceiling and finally see the unchanging kind face of God.

It’s been a while. Somehow the ceiling has been obstructing prayers of my heart from getting through to the heavens for some months now. As I’m writing this, I can’t help but chuckle at how it was obviously the Father himself who re-moves the ceiling and the metaphorical trap that the evil one’s gotten me into.

I can see clearly now, how the Father and his unconditional love has never changed. His force abides in the wilderness of your heart. He cleans up my mess so thoroughly he leaves no trace, brushes every bit of dirt off my shoulders, showers me constantly with his foolish grace, changes me into pure white clothing with his fresh mercy, and grooming me into a better version than the last time I remember my own reflection. I cannot upset him enough to make him stop loving me. 

Of all forms of worldly love, the greatest challenge of all is to mother, but you have the rest of your time here to keep practicing that love — the kind that gently, yet persistently loves even after you’ve messed up. Taming your challenging cubs, who each have their individual free will, can reveal how much God loves you and how much thought he’s given about you.

You have a mind of your own, and God’s deepest hope is you love him with all your heart too (as you would like your child to — with her own will), loving him so even before loving your children, and loving him with all your mind, all your might, all your soul.

A Glimpse of A Budding Empath

I witnessed real empathy in Cassie for the first time ever today, and it was beyond beautiful to see. 

On a day-to-day basis, I have seen plenty of empathy-related behaviors coming out of her before, such as patting and hugging her peers when she sees they fall down or get hurt through other ways, and the sweeping smile she makes every day when she gives and shares spontaneously something that is precious to her (toys, nature, whatever object she's currently into). One of her favorite play activities is to apply plasters on the open wounds of anyone who is portrayed injured in pictures. Her daily ritual is to hold empty essential oil bottles of mine and bring them to our noses so that we can feel good the way she does when she smells them (she's a huge fan of practically all plant essences, btw). Also, right from when she turned one, she's gotten into the habit of kissing my scars and bruises, which, according to her, will help me heal faster.

It's true that I have been attempting to teach empathy for a while. It's one of the top values I want to foster in her, and I'm still finding multiple ways to model it for her in every situation. So far I haven't seen empathy in its purest form, but that changes today. It was one of the highest proud-momma moment for me :)

So here's what happened:

It was lunchtime. We were enjoying our galbitang together as a family, and she was getting bored by minute ten on the highchair, as toddlers do. So, instead of slurping her soup spoonful per spoonful like she's been doing by herself for the last ten minutes, she started staring into space one minute, then flailing her spoon the next, with fully-scooped soup on it. Most of the spoonful of rib stew splashed onto the nanny's pants. 

For a second there, me and the nanny startled. Then, together, we nudged the little one casually, "Hayoo lho..." Cassie turned into a frown. I apologized to the nanny on behalf of her actions, then described to the little one what was happening in better detail: "Hayo lho Cassie, you spilled soup on Cus lho. You cannot pat or hug Cus lho because your hands are still dirty from eating..." It looked like the clarity of the situation was sinking in her mind, as the frown promptly turned into a huge cry.

The corners of her mouth looked as if they were tugged by gravity, and she was looking back and forth between me and the nanny with arms wide open, as if imploring for a big hug of acceptance and love and forgiveness. The nanny and I grinned at the amusing turn of event, and as she wailed and wailed for clemency as we kept consoling her, telling that it's okay to have wronged another and that we still love you, and we knew how sorry you are and how guilty you are feeling right now.

For five minutes or so, the cry gradually tapered off, lips no longer parted, but its corners were still sinking. Her droopy, apologetic eyes shifted back and forth to me and the nanny. When we stopped with our consoling, she began to let out a cry again, raising her arms for more hugs and words of affirmation. The nanny scooper her up and hugged her for a full minute or so. While those teary cheeks were resting on her shoulder, she whispered in her ears that it's okay, it's all good, that it's fine, so now let's get back to eating. And slowly but surely, the little lady recovered from her guilt trip, accepting big bites of japchae the nanny offers to feed.


From my personal observation, I never really thought toddlers can fully consider other people's feelings, have the capacity to develop such emotional depth, and capable of putting themselves into other people's shoes but their own. But what I witnessed today has proven those assumptions wrong. I don't take full credit of the bright young lady my daughter is turning out to be. It's all up to the God who's constantly running the course through our veins as a family unit, particularly in me and my husband as one body.

Our nightly prayer together has been for us to open every pore of our soul to let Christ take the seat, so that we can model His character and paint what it looks like in everyday situations for Cassie, in spite of our respective individual imperfections. Judging from the amusing lunchtime incident we had, it's safe to say that Cassie has caught a glimpse, at minimum, of Jesus Christ. And more than anything else, I pray that by the time she becomes a big girl, it's clear to her that placing her faith above everything else is the highest form of beauty of all.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Showing vs Telling

I was taught by the generations before us to be respectful by greeting them and others my senior by their relation to me. I think this is pretty common among the Asian communities.

I guess the more specific thing is that I was raised in a way that dismisses my feelings from a time when I didn’t even know how to manage difficult emotions yet. As children, I can see for myself now having C that it’s so easy to just tell them what we want them to do at any given moment (For example: You met Aunty A and Uncle B at the mall. You immediately interrupt whatever she’s doing, with zero regard to how she feels about it, then tell her off: “Say hi to aunty and uncle!”).  This can be really toxic. And I know it comes from good intentions. I grew up that way, and I have no control over myself because free play is nonexistent and I have to do whatever my parent wants me to do no matter how I feel, so that parent A is happy and parent B pays more attention to me.

Whenever I have this urge to just tell off my kid whenever I wish they’d do something else, I remind myself how Jesus showed his love for the world during his time on earth in addition to clear instructions. There was more of a showing on his part rather than telling. The part that convicts the Christian faith for generations was his showing rather than his telling. And I immediately divert from the urges of my old nature to work on bettering myself at being respectful so that whenever C has the opportunity to see me as an example, she learns respect by example.

I’m not saying I’ve always done that. Most people in general take the easy route to just tell off their kids, and if they do not obey, they’ll just say it harder and louder as if the children did not hear them. This is not a pretty habit to have. Sometimes I am guilty of that because my old nature has adopted this example from my own parents. This habit has even crept up between me and my husband whenever we are in an argument. Whenever I feel he wasn’t listening to anything I’ve been saying, my voice gets higher and louder by one volume, even though in my mind I know that’s not the tone to get your message audible for any listener. It’s frustrating enough for anyone to not feel heard; it’s toxic to ask your kid to do something they don’t yet understand or worse, haven’t seen you done it before, all the while suppressing every other childlike feelings of joy, pleasure, curiosity and surprise just for the sake of satisfying their parents.

I remember I didn’t like one of my mom’s girlfriends and that my mom revealed to me that she doesn’t like her either. But we never really discussed about “negative” emotions before and work through it together. Her belief in life is to just bear with it because “that’s life”. It’s the hardest thing to do, even for adults – to respectfully listen to the intentions behind disrespectful tone and words or when you don’t feel like listening—or even just respecting the people you don’t like.

I’ve had my guardian back in Singapore once told me that she had a friend who had her daughter gone through eight full years of piano lessons even when she didn’t like it, only to graduate with the completed 8-grade certificates and shoving those papers to her mom’s hands while saying, “Here. This is what you want, right?”

Every day my prayers to God include getting more wisdom so that I have a good direction on raising C. And wisdom is tough when the tests God wants you to go through are this specific. Doesn’t mean that I have graduated at this. There will be days when I fall off the wagon and back in the lower grounds of sin that for most of my life I’ve lived in. But in my weakest natures he could still perfect me as a testimony to his name. So there’s a lot of room for me to wiggle around and keep me motivated to learn and teach respect.

Thanks for reading.

Money Talk: For Where Your Treasure Is, There Will Your Heart Be Also

My most prized treasure

Gosh, I haven't been posting much. I've been so disorganized from the months since I gave birth and I can literally feel the weeds growing in my soul.

Speaking of weeds, that's what hubs and me were talking about last night. Thursdays are our quality time, by the way. It was one of the fewer times we talked about money in a positive and productive way. And I shared with him my most recent experience with tithing and my own behavior. Seems like for the past week all I do is prune, prune, prune.

So it all started when I decided to invest the Money Lover premium app on a lazy afternoon (one of those when I nest on the sofa while the baby is napping, scrolling and scrolling my phone endlessly to avoid all problems) to keep track of everywhere our money goes, except for the tithing commitment I made to myself. And just like that, out of nowhere I received this enduring energy to clear up our space, reorganize everything, design a garden plan for our balcony, cook every day and night, give more pocket money for the nanny and helper, do the night shift without help on continuous nights, found untapped resources for my little business on the side, and still have daily facials in-between. Plus in my free time, all I can think about was, Hmmm, how can I give away this much? What can I do with this amount of money? Instead of I want this, I want that, but I don't have enough. I was actually becoming more productive with my finances and I brought along the productivity into important areas of my life.

It seems like the Matthew 6:21 verse For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also is speaking directly to me.

While money is not my sole treasure, I believe it is the primary vehicle for mobilizing various aspects of life. And once you've stored the most important treasure first before everything else, God immediately fulfills His promise to take care of the rest himself. It's not just a simple subtraction from your wallet, but more of a multiplication from the amount of heart you give in. And I'm glad to embark upon this transformational journey that shoots me from the self-validation mindset, which is nothing but a prison, to one that focuses on other people more.

Someone once said to me that there are two types of people: On the one hand there are those that think the world is made up of people who can make it and people who can't. On the other, there are the rare people who believes there are only people who can help and people who cannot help. I highly suspect God is trying to change me from the first to the latter with this "treasure management" experience ...

The next challenge? I think it's going to be time management ... which is probably way harder ...

Anyway, thanks for reading :) I hope this post inspires you one way or another.

Review: "Fish In A Tree" by Lynda Mullaly Hunt

My rating: ★★★★☆

"Remember, Ally. When people have low expectations of you, you can sometimes use it to your advantage." Then he looks me right in the eyes and points at my nose. "As long as you don't have low expectations of yourself. You hear?"

I don't have much to say about "Fish in a Tree" except that I'd refer this heartwarming read to any educator … because I actually think the star of the story isn't the girl, but the teacher.

A story about grit, bravery, finding true friends, dealing with bullies, asking for help, offering help, and recognizing those who need it, "Fish" paints the transformation of Ally Nickerson, a dyslexic girl who started out deemed as nothing but an unruly middle-school student (so much so that she moved into seven schools in seven years) into the brilliant girl she already was. Her inability to read was something Ally herself decidedly regarded as "dumb" ("how can you cure dumb?"). Deep down, she's too ashamed of it to ask for help, because every year it's the same - schools label her a "slow reader". So she'd do anything, like pretending she's infected with the bubonic plague to avoid a writing assignment, to distract everyone from learning about her disability. Everyone but her newest teacher, Mr. Daniels, saw the bright kid underneath the troublemaker, and no sooner he reached out to help her discover there's a lot more to her than she thinks. 

Ally's story will help you break out of your shell and accept yourself as more than normal, because there's so much more than trying to fit in. My favorite character is Albert, one of Ally's best friends, who didn't let his need to belong compromise his integrity from the start. Like Ally, he also metamorphosed into an admirable boy who stood up for his dignity toward the end, even in the face of conflicting values.

Keisha whips around fast. "Why do you always try to pull people down?" she asks.

"Because some people deserve it, that's why," Shay answers.

"Deserve to be pulled down? Really?" Keisha asks.

Albert straightens his tie, which is the only part of his outfit that fits. He's even wearing his sneakers with the backs cut out.

"You know," he says, "logically, if a person was to pull another down, it would mean that he or she is already below that person."

I'm aware that there's already too many stories around that tells the same message, that it's triumphant to embrace your uniqueness, but as I said, the breakout star here is Mr. Daniels, and he's the reason anyone should be reading this book. Without his initiative, readiness to help, patience and flexibility to attend to his students' individual needs, Ally and her schoolmates will continue to misbehave, i.e. remain "not perfect and quiet", in their respective ways, which only reaffirms the labels people have already placed on them.

So much heart in this book that's similar to Counting by 7s by Holly Goldberg Sloan, although I enjoyed Sloan's book more as it covers a more diverse range of subjects and characters that gives it extra depth. But at its core, "Fish" provides substance in a way that brings tremendous hope for those with special needs, or for anyone who's constantly feeling left out, for that matter. I can understand why the viewpoint is confined to Ally's, as the author wants to make her message extra clear for her young readers. Because it's such an easy read, I recommend this book to anyone with a spare time.

"People act like the words 'slow reader' tell them everything that's inside. Like I'm a can of soup and they can just read the list of ingredients and know everything about me. There's lots of stuff about the soup inside that they can't put on the label, like how it smells and tastes and makes you feel warm when you eat it. There's got to be more to me than just a kid who can't read well."

See this book on Goodreads.

Review: "Truly Madly Guilty" by Liane Moriarty

My rating: ★★★☆☆

"There is no special protection when you cross that invisible line from your ordinary life to that parallel world where tragedies happen."

If you're already a fan of contemporary women's fiction, then this is your next favorite.

Otherwise, I'd say you skip it.

The reason I picked this up was because it won the Goodreads Choice Awards last year as the best book in Fiction. It's my attempt to understand the hype behind Australia's celebrated author Liane Moriarty, best known for her hits "The Husband's Secret" and "Big Little Lies".

So yes, this is my first Moriarty. I can see why her fans are loyal. Her writing style works particularly well for "Truly Madly Guilty", which essentially plots the dissolution of seemingly strong bonds in the aftermath of what started out to be an ordinary barbecue day with the neighbors. For such a clear-cut premise, Moriarty covers aplenty: guilt, resentment, addiction, hoarding, pole dancing, IVF, even PTSD.

SIX RESPONSIBLE ADULTS. THREE CUTE KIDS. ONE SMALL DOG. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Review: "Everything You Want Me to Be" by Mindy Mejia

My rating: ★★★★☆

"She had multiple personalities; it was the only explanation. She was dangerous, calculating, diabolical, and . . . brilliant. She was fucking brilliant."

The central narrative of this psychological thriller revolves around the question of whether you can truly know someone or not, even if you claim to be close.

That someone in this book is Hattie Hoffman, 18, who has everything any girl her age wants but thinks she'll fit better in a bigger pond than small-town Minnesota. She has it all figured out: She'll move to New York right after graduating high school to pursue her dreams of becoming a professional actress. Yet as chapter two opens, we see that her promising future was expunged just months before graduation when her body was found brutally stabbed to death. The news shook the entire town. As the plot thickens, we learned that she has been involved in an online relationship that might make or break her already fractured psyche, having transformed herself into whatever everybody wanted her to be her entire life. One minute we witness the great lengths she's willing to go in order to get what she wants, and then we're bemused by her charming wits the next. It's not difficult to summon this irresistible, hauntingly beautiful girl to mind - she's her teacher's pet, a good daughter, a great listener to all her friends, and her boyfriend's obsession - she can be everything you want her to be. But as we move closer to revealing the killer's identity, readers will no doubt ask themselves: Is she the victim, or the villain?

"You say you're just acting, but you're fracturing yourself into a thousand pieces, and every time I see another piece, you're gone again. You turn into someone else, a crowd of someone elses, and it makes me wonder if there's any such thing as Hattie Hoffman."

Review: "One of Us is Lying" by Karen M. McManus

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This book is a blend between The Breakfast Club and Pretty Little Liars, so it's no surprise that E! is developing a TV series out of Karen M. McManus' "One of Us is Lying." I can totally imagine a successful series based on the simple preamble that a central figure remains unknown until the very end, making the whole thing a perfect binge for viewers like how it turned out for Gossip Girl.

For this one, five high school students walk into detention but only four made it out alive. There's the overachiever Bronwyn; homecoming princess Addy; Nate the motorbike-riding bad boy; Cooper the all-star jock; and Simon the outcast, who's also the creator of Bayview High's infamous gossip app. While they never really knew each other, they all had one thing in common: They all have something to hide. By the end of detention, Simon was dead, and investigators concluded this is a murder case with the four other students identified as prime suspects. Turns out Simon had planned to post juicy reveals about each of them the day after he died - so who is the one willing to kill to protect their secrets?

I have to applaud McManus for developing these well-worn high school stereotypes into something actually worth reading. The most fun part about this book was watching each of these characters break out of their social trappings and transform into someone original. The author added so many layers of depth to the four cliches with the help of relevant supporting characters and through having them narrate alternating chapters to advance the plot. From cliquish to individuals you care about - you can admire the evolution of each character from when they started out having separate lives and slowly integrating each other into one another's narrative. The character I disliked most at the beginning, Addy, ended up becoming my favorite second to bad-boy Nate, who I thought had the most integrity of them all. We'll get into Nate in a minute.

Halfway through the book, Addy was surprised by how good she feels when she finally stopped waiting for controlling ex-boyfriend Jake to "tell me again I'm not good enough." She thought she'd fall back into submitting to the pain of rejection, "but I didn't, and I don't. For the first time in a long time, I feel free." I was so happy for her at this point, because everyone has that one person who hurts you by constantly telling you you're not good enough, and you get so addicted to the hurt that feeling perpetually trapped becomes your comfort zone. You never dared yourself to do or say or be anything otherwise.

And then there's Nate, who was sincerely bothered when nobody stood up because everybody else hated Cooper for the wrong reasons. Even when Nate was the obvious outlier of the four, with existing criminal records and all, I would argue he had the clearest conscience of the bunch. It was as if he was a reluctant bad boy, just that he'd grew up hardened by a difficult family, with nothing else to hope for except making it through school and day after day through the fastest and easiest thing to sell (drugs). This part Nate said were my exact thoughts about 1/3 of the book: "I like all of them more than I thought I would. Bronwyn's obviously been the biggest surprise, and like doesn't cover it. But Addy's turned into kind of a badass, and Cooper's not as one-dimensional as I thought."

I always thought excellent character development trumps every other factor in assessing works of fiction, and this book is a fitting example of that. As for the writing, McManus was succinct yet eloquent, a pleasant surprise for a debut author. Despite so, the long and steady buildup of the plot, which ultimately helped readers learn so deeply about the characters, made the last chapters feel rushed. Secrets that point toward the killer (though it's already super obvious for me from the beginning) can be interspersed more evenly throughout the book. It's quite a shame to develop such lovable characters toward the end, ones that readers have grown to care about, but spend so little time on them.

Review: "Goodbye, Good Girl" by Renee Blossom

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Thank you Pikko's House for sending me the ARC of "Goodbye, Good Girl" by Renee Blossom via NetGalley. The final book will be available for the public on October 3, 2017.

This is ultimately is a coming-of-age story. At the brink of adolescence, Kandace Santellan tells the turning point of her life that leaves her innocence behind and on to learning the harsh reality of becoming an adult. In her case, this means choosing between being "the only adult in the family" who mothers her two younger sisters while taking care of her drug-abused mother all by herself, someone she's always been since her father left home for government work, and pursuing her questionable career as an exotic dancer.

The latter was easy money, since she has been giving pole dancing lessons as her side job back in her hometown in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The only difference is, stripping at gentleman's clubs can earn her up to ten grand a night, while in her old life money is slow and it's impossible to support her mother's medical bills, sisters' expenses, plus her own would-be college tuition fee. 

This opportunity surfaced when Kandace decided to go on a cross-country trip to Los Angeles to find her father, hoping to convince him to come back home for good. Abandoned on the way by her boyfriend in St. Louis, Missouri, she was desperate. With no money and no intention of going back, she was adamant to stay on course until she finds a way to get to California. That's when a character named April came along, plunging her into this glamorous stripper lifestyle that is more addictive than drugs, and it's hard to stop at just one night.

The first half of the book was slow. The author spent most of it exposing the fantasy aspects of the club life, from St. Louis to Vegas to LA. It was fascinating as Brown also included the aftermath of lust, drugs, and dancing. Albeit the immense cash, designer clothes, and top hotel suites, Kandace was still always short of more to make ends meet. Like a normal teenager would, Brown showed the realism through Kandace's snap decisions and quickness to react throughout the book, although more so in the second half as her attitude grew bigger … and not necessarily wiser.

That's the thing: I cannot really relate with the character. As much as she's convinced by the end that she has matured, I wasn't. A lot has to do with the writing that didn't make the characters come through. I understand dialogues get the story going faster, but there were other plotlines that can be brought to clarity with dialogues more than others, namely the parts where Kandace is reminiscing memories, such as Markus's substantial significance as a supporting character to Kandace's family (since he's critical for the plot's progression).

Also, there were many characters that IMO didn't serve much of anything to Kandace's development: Her girlfriends back in Pittsburgh were so superfluous we never actually get to see them interacting with Kandace face-to-face. This lack-of-support problem leaves a lot of plotholes for the author to fill - like, whatever happened to Kyle the boyfriend? I can see his only role was to show readers how Kandace started off with absolutely no one to hold on to, not even her boyfriend. But we ended up with way too many loose ties. Moreover, since it's established that April is Kandace's sidekick almost throughout the book, I'd like to see more background to the character than what was sparsely given through the dialogues.

In terms of narrative, the climax itself was disappointing not only for everyone in the book, but for readers as well. Like I said, there were barely signs of ripeness, just a mere swallow-of-the-hard-pill conclusion to adulting. I think it might help if the author showed more perspective through Kandace's father and his situation, since the intention here might be to show the unreliability of the protagonist's voice as a young, volatile teenager. As breezy it was to read this book, I wouldn't recommend it to young readers due to the lack of relatability and character development.

 

Review: "Woman of God" by James Patterson & Maxine Paetro

The pattern at every bookstore visit is this: If a book caught my eye, I'd check it out immediately on Goodreads. The synopsis had me sold instantly:

St. Peter's Square, Rome. White smoke signals that a new Pope has been chosen. Is it possible that the new Pope...is a woman?  

The world is watching as historic crowds gather in Rome, waiting for news of a new Pope, one who promises to be unlike any other in the Church's history. Some followers are ecstatic, but the leading candidate has made a legion of powerful enemies.  

From a difficult childhood with drug addled parents, to a career as a doctor on the front lines in Sudan, to a series of trials that test her faith at every turn, Brigid Fitzgerald's convictions and callings have made her the target of all those who fear that the Church has lost its way - dangerous adversaries who abhor challenges to tradition. Locked in a deadly, high-stakes battle with forces determined to undermine everything she believes in, Brigid must convert her enemies to her cause before she loses her faith ... and her life.

I didn't even notice the description on the back of the book is different. 

So this became one of those books I grabbed on impulse. I mean, how could I NOT be intrigued? I wanna know how modern society looks like if it's run by a woman pope.

Review: "Dark Matter" by Blake Crouch

He says, "Every moment, every breath, contains a choice. But life is imperfect. We make the wrong choices. So we end up living in a state of perpetual regret, and is there anything worse? I built something that could actually eradicate regret. Let you find worlds where you made the right choice."
Daniela says, "Life doesn't work that way. You live with your choices and learn. You don't cheat the system."

I seldom give 5 stars, but this one's mindf-ingly good. The basic premise is something I think anyone can relate: "Are you happy with your life?" What if … ? What if you did the things you've always wanted to do? What if you haven't made that big decision? What if you chose the path not taken instead?

For the author himself, "Dark Matter" was his most ambitious novel yet. Best known for his Wayward Pines trilogy, Blake Crouch dove into quantum mechanics and came up with three potentially separate novels in the initial stages of this book. During a round of brainstorming sesh with fellow novelist Marcus Sakey, the separate drafts unfolded into three different aspects of one story that he went on developing into the brilliant New York Times Bestseller it is today. There have been talks over the years about a movie adaptation, a similar path to his previous works on the small screen with Wayward Pines and Good Behavior, so we'll just have to wait and see.

"It's terrifying when you consider that every thought we have, every choice we could possibly make, branches into a new world."

I want to be careful not to give too much away because if I say something I shouldn't say I'll be revealing everything there is to know in this book. It literally works like a dark hole. If you think the first act is a strong propeller for you to keep the page turning, the plot twists toward the end could literally spiral you down into the end in no time.

Review: "A Girl's Best Friend" by Lindsey Kelk

"A Girl's Best Friend" (AGBF) is the third and final part of the A Girl series by Lindsey Kelk. By the time I saw it in the bookstores I didn't even have to read the blurb before I was sold. The first book, "About A Girl" (AAG), was really special for me, because it taught me that if you have to plan out every single detail of your life, you might just be in the wrong plan. The second one, "What A Girl Wants", (WAGW) was equally meaningful in the sense that you don't want people in life who only treats you as an option until something better comes along. The third one here pretty much wrapped everything together with a nice Christmas bow, because it's about being and staying true to yourself when the going gets real tough.

 "I'm not saving the world, I'm not curing cancer. Should I stop?"

Review: "Suicide Notes From Beautiful Girls" by Lynn Weingarten [Migrated Post]

Suicide Notes from Beautiful Girls by Lynn Weingarten My rating: 3 of 5 stars

"No, if you run away, they never stop looking for you. You still exist, trapped in your life. But if you die . . ." Her voice is soft and sweet. She turns toward me. She smiles. "Junie, you're free."

I basically gobbled this book in two days - two straight days.

"Suicide Notes From Beautiful Girls" is a 2015 YA thriller that dares you to go to the most dangerous places when you lose your loved one. June, our innocent protagonist, finds out that someone long estranged, someone she used to be BFFs with, has killed herself. She never left things the way she wanted the last time she talked to Delia, and now that Delia's dead, she's plagued by both the loose strings and the deep loss. She doesn't know how else to cope other than digging around to make sense of  her friend's sudden decision, only to discover that it all seemed like a setup. Delia, the daredevil that rocked her world the moment she entered her life, is terrified of fire. She always knew this for a fact. She couldn't have burned herself to death, June thought. She must have been murdered.

And that's where our story begins.

"I had so many chances to fix things between us. So many chances that I didn't take. Whatever was going on in her life, if I had been there, I would have kept her safe."

Review: "The World According to Anna" by Jostein Gaarder [Migrated Post]

"Are you an optimist? Or are you a pessimist?" 

"I don't know. Perhaps a bit of both. What about you?"

"I'm an optimist, Jonas. And do you know why? I think it's immoral to be a pessimist."

"Immoral?"

"Pessimism is just another word for laziness. Of course I worry. But that's different. A pessimist has given up."

Jostein Gaarder, author of the 1991 classic Sophie's World, commemorates the 20th anniversary of its publication with this haunting tale that features an equally inquisitive protagonist.

The name's Anna, and she's deeply bothered by global warming. Her sixteenth birthday looms, and visions from the future begin to appear more in her dreams more frequently and more vividly than ever. They're so intense she believes they're all real, sort of acts like a message telling her to do something about its revelations, that is, the hopeless state of the world in 2082 when her great-granddaughter, Nova, can no longer enjoy the natural wonders of the world. Despite her sincere concerns, the parents thought she's just imagining things and, instead of listening to her at all, sent her to Oslo for a clinical checkup.

Review: "Miracle at the Higher Grounds Cafe" by Max Lucado [Migrated Post]

"A barrier had been broken. Beneath the hard, painful surface of her recollection were layers of healing truth. God had never left her side, not even for a moment."

Max Lucado is the author of dozens of books that have gone to become major bestsellers. With over 92 million copies sold and having penned close to 100 books, the prolific author also ministers at the Oak Hills Church in San Antonio, Texas. His gift for storytelling is so apparent on each and every mission he sets out to do, it's no wonder in 2005, the Reader's Digest dubbed him "The Best Preacher in America."

My first Max Lucado book was given to me just before leaving the States for good after finishing my studies there. It was on the very last day, right when I was carrying my luggages to the taxi. You'd never guess who it was from - my landlord. I suspect she's a clairvoyant, but anywho, she gave me the thin, 64-page book, "He Did This Just For You" that so many have found life-changing. I think I only got around to it a couple of years or so later, and I remember on the night that I binged on it, I cried helplessly in my room. It was the day I realized I have a father I never had. Had I not receive this seemingly random gift from my landlord, I'd never really see the biblical God as that personal. Fast forward some time toward the end of 2016, I was in the local bookstore as usual and I found this Max Lucado fiction. I grabbed it impulsively because I know there's a higher chance I'd finish a fiction than a nonfiction book, and also because the preamble caught my instant attention at the time I bought it:

"What if you could ask God anything? What would you ask? And how would He answer?"

2016 - Books I've Read This Year [Migrated Post]

I've always loved fiction for as long as I can remember. To me, characters, albeit imaginary ones, speak more truth than the surface-level information and knowledge I get from most nonfiction books. As a kid I fell in love with them while trying to improve my English. I started reading more because I heard that reading improves your linguistic abilities. Then as I grew up, and I don't know if it's just me, it seems like people respect you more if you read more nonfiction than mere literature, as it implies you've acquired more real-world, practical and applicable knowledge rather than just reading for pleasure. I gave in to that impression and gradually lost interest in books at all.

This year, however, has been the year that I embraced my true self. I made a simple goal of reading 12 books of any kind to fall in love with books again, and I ended up with 99% fiction. As I said, reading was one way I take pleasure, and I find great joy in watching stories unfold and journeying with particular characters as they go through highs and lows in order to experience change. Like a cup of good tea, it's been a way for me to unwind and loosen the tangled thoughts in my head. It takes my mind off myself and watching how another character as flawed as I am faces his or her challenges. I'm glad I've taken the plunge into worlds that only exist in the mind once again, because as Einstein famously said, imagination is more important than knowledge. Reading into characters deeply has made me a more considerate and empathetic person than I was a year ago.

Here are the pieces of literature (plus one nonfiction) I've read this year, listed in reading chronological order:

Review: "The Fifth Gospel" by Ian Caldwell [Migrated Post]

"We are a religion of captains hoping to go down with the ship. Though we teach our children that the worst thing Judas ever did - worse even than betraying Jesus - was committing suicide, the truth is that what moves the lifeblood of our faith is a thumping impulse toward self-destruction. Greater love has no one than this, Jesus says in the gospel of John. To lay down one's life for one's friends."

This is easily one of the best books I've ever read. I've got so much to say that this review has bloated up to the length of a standard novella. You were warned.

Guest Post: On Relationships, Getting Married, And How I Know She's the One. [Migrated Post]

Note: It’s close to a week left before the wedding now, and I feel it’s the perfect time to reflect on how far me and 10 have come, because, let me tell you, it wasn’t easy to transition ourselves into the marriage milestone. We want to tell our story because it may help you figure out where you should be heading next in your current relationship, particularly those of you who are still pondering whether the man/woman you’re with is someone you can’t live without. This post is very special for me, as it was written by my soon-to-be husband. Hope you enjoy, and thanks for reading~ 

Before meeting Stacia, I have always thought that I would never get married. Because whenever I get heartbroken or get unrequited love from the girl I am interested in, I would always step up my expectations from the next girl I am going to date.

My list of criteria went like this:

1. Has to be tall

2. Has to be fair skin

3. Has to be adorable

4. Has to be slim

5. Has to have long legs

6. Has to live relatively near my house

7. Accept me for who I am

8. More importantly, has to love God

9. As a bonus, please be pretty …

I knew I was in trouble… I became critical with every girl I’m introduced to. I judged them before I even tried spending time with them… All because of the criteria I have set and I strictly followed them. I almost gave up….

But God is always kind to me. His favor never seems to stop, no matter how many times I have disappointed him. A girl was introduced to me… not as someone meant to be a potential girlfriend, but just as an acquaintance.

Stacia has fulfilled all the criteria, including the bonus, except the most important one: Does she love God or not? It turns out she didn’t… (at least not yet)

God didn’t stop there… In the past, if I found out the one I am interested in has a different faith, I stop pursuing. I didn’t want to be troubled with potential issues in the future that comes with faith differences. But this time, I couldn’t seem to stop thinking about her. I decided to take the risk – I confessed to her while making it very clear how serious and devoted I am about my faith, and will never leave Him no matter what.

After some consideration, she agreed to be my girlfriend. A feeling that I have not felt for almost a decade has finally returned to me and I forgot how it felt… a mutual love. What about the faith differences? Without me even mentioning anything, she followed me to church and started learning more about Him. Again, without me even saying anything to her, she decided on her own to get baptized, fulfilling the last the criterion I have set. 

"Instead of thinking negatively about our differences, we think about how we can change, tolerate more, and adapt to accept each other’s differences."

Even though being with her has made the happiest moments of my life, I have to admit that those are not easy and smooth-flowing times. We are two very different persons, from different family backgrounds, cultures, and mindsets. It was hard to be a bridge between the two parties. I have to be a good, respectful son and brother, while at the same time I have to be a loving, understanding boyfriend and now… a future husband.

We always argue due to disagreements that arise from our differing mindsets, differing social and cultural beliefs, and differing ways of life. It’s not an easy task to merge my 30-year’s worth of teaching and experiences with a totally different 25-year’s worth of teaching and experiences. We hurt each other a lot. We made each other cry. But what I love in our relationship is that God never let us become separated. He intervenes when the problems get too serious and reminds us why we are together. We fix our problems. We find solutions. We make up.

Time came when I have to make the ultimate decision… the most important decision of my entire life… The proposal. I asked God, family, friends, and everyone else about this. What to consider, what to think, what to prepare. I was planning to propose after 2 years of dating, but I decided to rethink and get prepared for another year just to be extra sure and clear out any doubts. True enough, I only became more confident about making her my wife as I love her even more, not like a girlfriend-boyfriend love, but a lifetime-partner love. I proposed.

Post-proposal didn’t make our relationship less harder. We fought about even more serious stuff, sacrificed more, stretched comfort zones, increased expectations, faced with greater responsibilities, and got to know even more about each other… the good and the bad and yet more differences. But having gone through all that is proof to me… a proof of commitment and love towards each other. We worry about each other and only want what’s best for both of us. It is tiring and frustrating at times, but we make it through it all, thanks to God who continually binds us to become stronger than ever. These days, instead of thinking of breaking up after each major fight, we calm down, try to understand each other, and work together to find a solution. Instead of thinking negatively about our differences, we think about how we can change, tolerate more, and adapt to accept each other’s differences. All this will not go this beautifully unless God’s hand is working amongst us.

And here we are… Just a few days from being married… Who would have thought that I would get married when I was still in my position and situation a few years back before I met Stacia? I was picky and difficult when it comes to love – I won’t consider any further if I can’t picture myself with a girl in the future. Who would have thought that I would meet a girl of my dreams who accepts me, cares for me, and loves me? Who else would take me on this adventure, to laugh and to cry with me, even sharing my burdens? It has been a difficult process, a journey with plenty of turbulence, but with God’s grace and strength, we flew past through it all and has now arrived at our destination, embarking upon a whole new adventure.

Review: "Playing With the Grown-Ups" by Sophie Dahl [Migrated Post]

I'm not surprised that the average Goodreads ratings for this book is a so-so 3.24 out of 5 stars at the moment I'm writing this review. It reaffirms the fact that taste is relative, because I actually really enjoyed the simple plot and the complicated characters. It's a plainly beautiful story.

A Divorced Man Wrote These 20 Epic Marriage Advice He Wished He Could Have Had [Migrated Post]

Recently stumbled upon this post around Tumblr. Thought I might find it useful for future reference.

MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:

“Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different: After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…”
– Gerald Rogers

1. NEVER STOP COURTING. NEVER STOP DATING. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. FALL IN LOVE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. ALWAYS SEE THE BEST IN HER. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER. Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY. Take full accountability for your own emotions. It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. NEVER BLAME HER IF YOU GET ANGRY. NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them: when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. ALLOW YOUR WOMAN TO JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you: DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. BE SILLY. Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. FILL HER SOUL EVERY DAY. Learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY. To carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. DON’T BE AN IDIOT. Don’t be an idiot and don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. GIVE HER SPACE. The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing. Okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.

15. BE VULNERABLE. You don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING: Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK: If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER. The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE… In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

“In the end, MARRIAGE isn’t about “Happily ever after.” It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.”

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

“If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.”

The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in the marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN - THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.