The Deepest Form of pain Comes Out As Silence [Migrated Post]

Counting By 7s by Holly Goldberg Sloan, page 163, 175

Life, I now realize, is just one big trek across a minefield and you never know which step is going to blow you up.

I go outside and sit on the steps.
I’m not waiting.
I’m just being.
Time exists only in the mind.
For someone grieving, moving forward is the challenge. Because after extreme loss, you want to go back.
Maybe that’s why I don’t calculate anything now. I can only count in the negative space.
I’m on a different planet now.
I only speak when I absolutely have to.
Otherwise, I do my best to be invisible and stay out of the way.
No matter how hard they try, other people do not understand because I’m incapable of communication.
And that is why the deepest form of pain comes out as silence.

If You Are Sincerely Seeking My Company ... Please Don't Judge Me. [Migrated Post]

If I know the person who’s reading this blog is decidedly nonjudgmental and cared enough to sift through my every word, stripped of his/her layers of pretension and pride we’re so used to putting on,  this would’ve been the meeting point where we find common grounds, enjoy our time, and leave the rest of the world behind.

It’s positive.

I want positive vibes, because I’m scared of people complaining, “Why do you have to be so negative all the time?”

Each time I have to have a human interaction, I have to summon up this courage and confidence I never have, to be perfect first, this mask, so that others can live in harmony and leave me alone.

But that’s the thing. You can’t be left alone if it’s authentic positivity.

The moment someone gets close to me, I immediately hold my guards up just in case I get disappointed once they find something they don’t like, or just something different for them to judge about. And this air of negativity stems from the deep-cut memories I’ve shared with my family. My family is my whole world, they don’t know just how much all of them, together, means to me. I love them so much I fantasized so many times about never being born just so I wouldn’t have to go through all this pain and suffering. It’s clear that they love me the most as I’m the youngest and the only daughter of the bunch, but how can they say they love me if they act the way they’ve always acted with each other?

How can I reach out to the world when I don’t have the love of my life together, safe and securely fastened?