How I Got Out of The Lion's Den

When I feel pulled in every direction, I lose myself, and the ruler of the world catches me. After breaking down, lying face up and drenching the sheets with my tears of guilt, shame, and regret, I look beyond the ceiling and finally see the unchanging kind face of God.

It’s been a while. Somehow the ceiling has been obstructing prayers of my heart from getting through to the heavens for some months now. As I’m writing this, I can’t help but chuckle at how it was obviously the Father himself who re-moves the ceiling and the metaphorical trap that the evil one’s gotten me into.

I can see clearly now, how the Father and his unconditional love has never changed. His force abides in the wilderness of your heart. He cleans up my mess so thoroughly he leaves no trace, brushes every bit of dirt off my shoulders, showers me constantly with his foolish grace, changes me into pure white clothing with his fresh mercy, and grooming me into a better version than the last time I remember my own reflection. I cannot upset him enough to make him stop loving me. 

Of all forms of worldly love, the greatest challenge of all is to mother, but you have the rest of your time here to keep practicing that love — the kind that gently, yet persistently loves even after you’ve messed up. Taming your challenging cubs, who each have their individual free will, can reveal how much God loves you and how much thought he’s given about you.

You have a mind of your own, and God’s deepest hope is you love him with all your heart too (as you would like your child to — with her own will), loving him so even before loving your children, and loving him with all your mind, all your might, all your soul.

A Glimpse of A Budding Empath

I witnessed real empathy in Cassie for the first time ever today, and it was beyond beautiful to see. 

On a day-to-day basis, I have seen plenty of empathy-related behaviors coming out of her before, such as patting and hugging her peers when she sees they fall down or get hurt through other ways, and the sweeping smile she makes every day when she gives and shares spontaneously something that is precious to her (toys, nature, whatever object she's currently into). One of her favorite play activities is to apply plasters on the open wounds of anyone who is portrayed injured in pictures. Her daily ritual is to hold empty essential oil bottles of mine and bring them to our noses so that we can feel good the way she does when she smells them (she's a huge fan of practically all plant essences, btw). Also, right from when she turned one, she's gotten into the habit of kissing my scars and bruises, which, according to her, will help me heal faster.

It's true that I have been attempting to teach empathy for a while. It's one of the top values I want to foster in her, and I'm still finding multiple ways to model it for her in every situation. So far I haven't seen empathy in its purest form, but that changes today. It was one of the highest proud-momma moment for me :)

So here's what happened:

It was lunchtime. We were enjoying our galbitang together as a family, and she was getting bored by minute ten on the highchair, as toddlers do. So, instead of slurping her soup spoonful per spoonful like she's been doing by herself for the last ten minutes, she started staring into space one minute, then flailing her spoon the next, with fully-scooped soup on it. Most of the spoonful of rib stew splashed onto the nanny's pants. 

For a second there, me and the nanny startled. Then, together, we nudged the little one casually, "Hayoo lho..." Cassie turned into a frown. I apologized to the nanny on behalf of her actions, then described to the little one what was happening in better detail: "Hayo lho Cassie, you spilled soup on Cus lho. You cannot pat or hug Cus lho because your hands are still dirty from eating..." It looked like the clarity of the situation was sinking in her mind, as the frown promptly turned into a huge cry.

The corners of her mouth looked as if they were tugged by gravity, and she was looking back and forth between me and the nanny with arms wide open, as if imploring for a big hug of acceptance and love and forgiveness. The nanny and I grinned at the amusing turn of event, and as she wailed and wailed for clemency as we kept consoling her, telling that it's okay to have wronged another and that we still love you, and we knew how sorry you are and how guilty you are feeling right now.

For five minutes or so, the cry gradually tapered off, lips no longer parted, but its corners were still sinking. Her droopy, apologetic eyes shifted back and forth to me and the nanny. When we stopped with our consoling, she began to let out a cry again, raising her arms for more hugs and words of affirmation. The nanny scooper her up and hugged her for a full minute or so. While those teary cheeks were resting on her shoulder, she whispered in her ears that it's okay, it's all good, that it's fine, so now let's get back to eating. And slowly but surely, the little lady recovered from her guilt trip, accepting big bites of japchae the nanny offers to feed.


From my personal observation, I never really thought toddlers can fully consider other people's feelings, have the capacity to develop such emotional depth, and capable of putting themselves into other people's shoes but their own. But what I witnessed today has proven those assumptions wrong. I don't take full credit of the bright young lady my daughter is turning out to be. It's all up to the God who's constantly running the course through our veins as a family unit, particularly in me and my husband as one body.

Our nightly prayer together has been for us to open every pore of our soul to let Christ take the seat, so that we can model His character and paint what it looks like in everyday situations for Cassie, in spite of our respective individual imperfections. Judging from the amusing lunchtime incident we had, it's safe to say that Cassie has caught a glimpse, at minimum, of Jesus Christ. And more than anything else, I pray that by the time she becomes a big girl, it's clear to her that placing her faith above everything else is the highest form of beauty of all.

Dear C: Qualities of A Loving Person

Dear C,

Mommy just want to take this moment to express my gratitude. It's a privilege to be the one raising you. I knew even while you were in my womb that you are special. Just last night I have listed all the words you can say at 19 months, and it's a comprehensive list of 150+ words. And that's not even counting the many instructions you've come to understand.

Words have no meaning if the speaker doesn't mean it and emote it. So instead of listing down all the words and phrases that you can speak/understand at 19 months, mommy's going to list down all the values you've adopted as your personal character that I have the pleasure of observing so far:

High-spirited. Your ceaseless spirit drains mommy's physical energy at times, but that's a good thing. Fear is not in your nature when it comes to new thrills and adventures. Even when you're feeling under the weather, you are one unstoppable ball that just keeps rolling on smooth terrains and rocky grounds, giving the people around you so much good feels by just being yourself.

Cheerful. You're, like, literally a bundle of glee. It's too easy to get happy squeals from you - as easy as cracking a smile on Daddy face. I mean, seriously, even a noncommittal peekaboo gets you all jumpy and a piercing shriek audible within a 1-mile radius.

Kind. Mommy and daddy has never verbally asked you to share your snack or toy with anybody else, but you're not shy in sharing joyful experiences with the people around you. Did you know that for the past few months, your thing has been plucking flowers and leaves and giving them to the people around you? You also loveee giving the people you're familiar with spontaneous pats and hugs? And did you know ... that a cheerful giver is a sight to behold God's eyes? The fact that you give freely and generously makes mommy and daddy very proud of you.

Considerate. Did you know that whenever you see bruises and wounds on mommy's body parts, you always lean forward to kiss them? Did you know that when you see your friends in distress, you love running over to pat their faces ever so gently? The sight of your care and concern for other people's pain is incomparable to anything else mommy has ever seen.

Focused. Mommy and daddy are also amazed by your sense of wonder and sheer curiosity. It's crazy how single-minded you become once you're busy with a particular toy or task. No one can take an iota of your attention away from that task. Every so often, we also catch you daydreaming about something that seems deep.

Persistence. That said, you can be viewed by some as super stubborn. Once you've decided in your mind that you don't need this or want that, you are adamant about it. No one can push you, distract you, lie to you, or manipulate you into doing that which you don't wish to do. And I mean no one. I beg to differ, and I say you're determined. Even when you keep falling down, you always get up immediately, taking no second to scrape off the dirt on your knees, only to dash like a cheetah into the distance again.

Secure. Mommy doesn't have to worry if you're going to get upset being carried by someone else other than me, and neither does daddy. I think that has to do with your security in knowing that Mommy and daddy are doing our best to only make promises we can keep, that we will always be around whenever you need us (even though some nights we do leave you to have date nights!), and that we'll love you no matter what.

Responsible. You always make sure all trash is thrown in the rubbish bin, even if it's somebody else's. You always tidy up your toys after you're done playing with them. You love stacking games and placing playthings in a particular order. And you always trust that mommy has reasons you don't yet understand in giving you certain boundaries in the freedom that you're given with.

Loving. Above all, mommy and daddy have long prayed for the best for you, and that is for you to love everyone you meet and having others love you too. By all the qualities mommy have listed above, it's easy to see that the buds of our love are growing well and alive in you. You are smart, beautiful, charming and confident.

But you see ... these qualities are fleeting.

Love isn't something you do, but something that Jesus embodies; something that Jesus is. The more you get to know him, the more you'll understand that his love for you is enough to love those who love you and those who hate you.

Love isn't just about giving to those who love you, because it's always easy to love the people who love you. One day in life you'll see that God was right when he said that even though you're his precious daughter, you have to expand your mind into the shrewdness of a snake, even as you keep your heart as innocent as a dove. There will come a time when you'll meet people who are difficult to love, and when things get hard, mommy and daddy will only keep praying that you look into the example of Jesus Christ.

At the time you're reading this, you might still be at an age too young to exercise spiritual prudence. But you know what? Even mommy still needs Jesus all the time. Daddy does too. So I hope at whatever age you are right now, you open your mind as wide as you can so that these words take seat in your heart well into maturity.


How To Do This Practically:

1. Open your bible everyday,
2. Make notes about the verses and chapters that speak to you at that moment, and
3. Talk to God every minute of every hour about anything your heart is speaking about right then and there.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Showing vs Telling

I was taught by the generations before us to be respectful by greeting them and others my senior by their relation to me. I think this is pretty common among the Asian communities.

I guess the more specific thing is that I was raised in a way that dismisses my feelings from a time when I didn’t even know how to manage difficult emotions yet. As children, I can see for myself now having C that it’s so easy to just tell them what we want them to do at any given moment (For example: You met Aunty A and Uncle B at the mall. You immediately interrupt whatever she’s doing, with zero regard to how she feels about it, then tell her off: “Say hi to aunty and uncle!”).  This can be really toxic. And I know it comes from good intentions. I grew up that way, and I have no control over myself because free play is nonexistent and I have to do whatever my parent wants me to do no matter how I feel, so that parent A is happy and parent B pays more attention to me.

Whenever I have this urge to just tell off my kid whenever I wish they’d do something else, I remind myself how Jesus showed his love for the world during his time on earth in addition to clear instructions. There was more of a showing on his part rather than telling. The part that convicts the Christian faith for generations was his showing rather than his telling. And I immediately divert from the urges of my old nature to work on bettering myself at being respectful so that whenever C has the opportunity to see me as an example, she learns respect by example.

I’m not saying I’ve always done that. Most people in general take the easy route to just tell off their kids, and if they do not obey, they’ll just say it harder and louder as if the children did not hear them. This is not a pretty habit to have. Sometimes I am guilty of that because my old nature has adopted this example from my own parents. This habit has even crept up between me and my husband whenever we are in an argument. Whenever I feel he wasn’t listening to anything I’ve been saying, my voice gets higher and louder by one volume, even though in my mind I know that’s not the tone to get your message audible for any listener. It’s frustrating enough for anyone to not feel heard; it’s toxic to ask your kid to do something they don’t yet understand or worse, haven’t seen you done it before, all the while suppressing every other childlike feelings of joy, pleasure, curiosity and surprise just for the sake of satisfying their parents.

I remember I didn’t like one of my mom’s girlfriends and that my mom revealed to me that she doesn’t like her either. But we never really discussed about “negative” emotions before and work through it together. Her belief in life is to just bear with it because “that’s life”. It’s the hardest thing to do, even for adults – to respectfully listen to the intentions behind disrespectful tone and words or when you don’t feel like listening—or even just respecting the people you don’t like.

I’ve had my guardian back in Singapore once told me that she had a friend who had her daughter gone through eight full years of piano lessons even when she didn’t like it, only to graduate with the completed 8-grade certificates and shoving those papers to her mom’s hands while saying, “Here. This is what you want, right?”

Every day my prayers to God include getting more wisdom so that I have a good direction on raising C. And wisdom is tough when the tests God wants you to go through are this specific. Doesn’t mean that I have graduated at this. There will be days when I fall off the wagon and back in the lower grounds of sin that for most of my life I’ve lived in. But in my weakest natures he could still perfect me as a testimony to his name. So there’s a lot of room for me to wiggle around and keep me motivated to learn and teach respect.

Thanks for reading.

Our Third Valentine Together

Money Talk: For Where Your Treasure Is, There Will Your Heart Be Also

My most prized treasure

Gosh, I haven't been posting much. I've been so disorganized from the months since I gave birth and I can literally feel the weeds growing in my soul.

Speaking of weeds, that's what hubs and me were talking about last night. Thursdays are our quality time, by the way. It was one of the fewer times we talked about money in a positive and productive way. And I shared with him my most recent experience with tithing and my own behavior. Seems like for the past week all I do is prune, prune, prune.

So it all started when I decided to invest the Money Lover premium app on a lazy afternoon (one of those when I nest on the sofa while the baby is napping, scrolling and scrolling my phone endlessly to avoid all problems) to keep track of everywhere our money goes, except for the tithing commitment I made to myself. And just like that, out of nowhere I received this enduring energy to clear up our space, reorganize everything, design a garden plan for our balcony, cook every day and night, give more pocket money for the nanny and helper, do the night shift without help on continuous nights, found untapped resources for my little business on the side, and still have daily facials in-between. Plus in my free time, all I can think about was, Hmmm, how can I give away this much? What can I do with this amount of money? Instead of I want this, I want that, but I don't have enough. I was actually becoming more productive with my finances and I brought along the productivity into important areas of my life.

It seems like the Matthew 6:21 verse For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also is speaking directly to me.

While money is not my sole treasure, I believe it is the primary vehicle for mobilizing various aspects of life. And once you've stored the most important treasure first before everything else, God immediately fulfills His promise to take care of the rest himself. It's not just a simple subtraction from your wallet, but more of a multiplication from the amount of heart you give in. And I'm glad to embark upon this transformational journey that shoots me from the self-validation mindset, which is nothing but a prison, to one that focuses on other people more.

Someone once said to me that there are two types of people: On the one hand there are those that think the world is made up of people who can make it and people who can't. On the other, there are the rare people who believes there are only people who can help and people who cannot help. I highly suspect God is trying to change me from the first to the latter with this "treasure management" experience ...

The next challenge? I think it's going to be time management ... which is probably way harder ...

Anyway, thanks for reading :) I hope this post inspires you one way or another.