The people who know me well know that I'm the very definition of an introvert. More often than not people I've met from some social function or when I'm without my husband around think I'm an extrovert. But really, I'm a clam. There is nothing else that drains the energy out of me more than having to deal with small talk. It's like throwing the metaphorical "How are you" ball to another person and giving them the responsibility to pass it back to you. All you are doing during the average conversation is passing it back and forth until somebody runs out of something to say and drops the ball. The worst kind of small talks are akin to having to hear somebody laughing off your just-open vulnerability and mindlessly saying, "Don't worry, be happy!!!" to you, and try as you might to give this acquaintance a certain level of trust by opening up about your ordeal with mental illness, they are either too ignorant about your situation (because it's always easier to judge you a certain way and be lazy about understanding you more) or too afraid of a more intimate level of connection because should they decide to be more than your acquaintance, they would carry the long-term responsibility to look after you.
I know you can hear the tinge of resentment in my voice. After all I'm speaking from experience. Point is, engaging in small talks can be dreadful.
Well, here's the thing: You have to interact every so often with people in order to build rapport. That's how the world works. As much as I hate how small talks actually hinder real connection, people just can't open up with you right away, especially if you haven't got the chance to prove that you are trustworthy. And unfortunately, it's the frequency that counts at first and not the depth of each interaction over time.
So, instead of expecting the other person to throw all the niceties out of the window just like that, I've recently formed a 4-step strategy for myself to be more sociable, yet still be truly who I am (rather be left alone with books, snuggled up, with a cup of tea).
1. Know yourself.
Know your limits, and more importantly accept those limits. Just because that's how the world operates doesn't mean you have to compromise your values and change who you are. If you are a uni-tasker, don't multi-task. If you know you'll choke when eating while talking, don't talk while eating. And if you're more deadline-driven than people-driven, don't let your people-oriented weakness overshadow your self-leadership strengths. I know all these seem super straightforward, but ultimately, you can always work on your so-called weaknesses later, because the world needs more of your best than your second-rate values. Plus, speaking from a purely economic standpoint, it's better to invest in your strengths rather than neglecting them and spend the rest of your time covering the debts of your weaknesses.
2. Get out of your head.
That said, be the first to believe in the best in people. This was personally the hardest for me, and I know some of you probably had tough experiences in the past with broken trust as well, or had an upbringing that taught you to distrust strangers like I had, but I've learned that you can learn to trust again by giving trust first. Not all-out, suddenly you're my BFF kind of trust, but I-know-I-can-count-on-you-not-messing-this-particular-thing-up kind of trust. Open only as much as you are comfortable with. Once you do that, you'll see it's perfectly okay to be vulnerable, to own up to your sensitivity/quirk. What's not okay is to protect your feelings so much that you're willing to walk all over everyone else just because that's how YOU operate. Hate to break this to you, but the world doesn't revolve around you. So get out of your own head and look into the world with fresh perspectives, and the only way to do that is to voluntarily put yourself into another's shoes. In this ever-evolving world, you will always have something to learn. Everybody is an expert at something, and you know don't know everything.
3. Prioritize your quiet time.
If there's one thing you should guard like a faithful dog, it's your quiet time. Most people call it "me time", others "personal time", "downtime", etc. This is where you literally recharge. You read, you meditate, study the Bible, binge-watch your favorite TV show, take long baths, whatever. Do whatever it takes to re-center yourself. If you need to turn off your phone at certain hours, do so. If you need to turn down B-Priority invitations in order to save up for the A-Priorities, do so. The point is you respect your own limits: Don't schedule another meetup or meeting right after a huge work/social event. You know you're going to be the weird awkward gal creeping behind other people if a) you dread these kind of functions in the first place and b) all your energy has ran out from the hullabaloo the day before. Leave aside a day or two (or even a week) of "recovery" until you know you're ready to run again and give your all, lest you spread yourself too thin from running too long on empty.
4. Never settle.
Speaking of giving your all, never settle for anything less than your best. This, in my personal worldview, is the true definition of a life of service. Everyone including yourself deserves to enjoy you at your best. Not the rainbow-peeing Pollyanna and her sunshine-and-lollipops-world best (that's the popular mythology we easily fall for; prevalent in advertisements), but your best given any particular situation you're in. Your best as in letting your most authentic self shine, stripped off all social masks we habitually put on in front of others everyday. Make it a point everytime that when you do go out into the world and interact with other people, use those stored energy of yours from your quiet time and give your 100% to each and every person you meet. Because at the end of your life, it's not the number of heads in the crowd at your funeral that matters - it's what the few people who truly know you and still love you that matters. At least, that's what me and most introverts I know do better than winning over as many people as possible.
