The Goal of Marriage [Migrated Post]

I truly believe the saying that goes, it’s better to stay single for the rest of your life than to get into a bad marriage. Compatibility alone doesn’t secure you lifelong marital bliss. Every one of us is so different that we’re not naturally compatible with each other unless we’re willing to make the effort to get to know each other, find common grounds, form relationships, enter fellowship, and make an alliance. You are always going to have disagreements with people because of your differences, but if you commit to sticking together through the test of time, both of you win.

There was a life-turning challenge that I took on recently, now that we’re a month into our marriage. During the first few weeks, we both responded to the incessant question “How’s married life?” with nothing but a candid “No difference than when we’re still dating.” It’s true. Even now, I can honestly say there isn’t much that’s changed if we’re strictly referring to our day-to-day lives. But if you rewind to a couple of weeks ago, something did took a huge turn. At least, for me.

Hubby and I went into a huge argument during the last days before we move in to our new home. I’m not here to speak details, but I was largely to blame. He showed anger, hurt, disappointment, fear, and sadness all at once. As he went on communicating his unmet needs and resulting feelings more, I began to understand the point … his point, the point of marriage, the point of us, him and me, together. Out of all the emotions he felt, I was quickest to respond to his sadness. If it wasn’t for this argument, I wouldn’t know I would get this sad if I see him sad. It was also this argument that finally changed how I see him. Since the day we stood at the altar, his feelings are no longer his own, just as my feelings are no longer just mine. Before walking down the aisle, I could hurt myself all I want and cry till dawn, and it’s still nobody else’s business. I certainly didn’t have to think much about anyone else’s pain, nor do I have to hold it together for anyone else, because it’s all about managing your own life and your emotions. But now, I realized that this kind of mentality is the very foundation that develops into a bad marriage.

 
But while I was busy protecting my feelings and preventing myself from getting hurt, I couldn’t see the truth of the matter, that both of us are happier when we’re together than when we’re alone.

There was a time when I consciously chose to be single. During this time, I’ve set in stone to face the rest of my life with a one-person psychological thinking. I left no room for reliance and vulnerability. It took time from making this conviction to finally “opening up” to hubby, my then boyfriend, during our first years together, to trust him, communicate my needs, and to just stop being so difficult and egotistical. In the 4.5 years of our relationship before marriage, he’s constantly attacked by the guards I’ve held up so high around myself. Even though I was technically “with him”, I wasn’t at heart. The one thing I’ve never dared to hope for was believing in a safe and secure confidant, the kind of relationship I’ve always wanted to be in, but had decided then that it only existed in my dreams. Thing is I was okay alone, and that he was fairly happy by himself and his video games. But while I was busy protecting my feelings and preventing myself from getting hurt, I couldn’t see the truth of the matter, that both of us are happier when we’re together than when we’re alone. 

Engagement gift for le hubby~

Why marry? I asked. What’s the point? What’s the purpose of coupling at all? “So that we can build a harmonious family,” he assured me. What is harmony in the first place, you say? Harmony = Happy TOGETHER my husband reassured me. He then placed his hands on my shoulders and looked at me in the eye. “We are together now, no longer two, but one,” he went on. “So no one, not even you or me, can separate us.”

Funny how it’s only dawning on me now that I’m married – like, married married. And truth is, the sanctity of this union is at an all-time low in our culture today, so much so that you see more people making fun of the dreariness and displeasures of marital life (and consequently the glamorization of the cool, casual, and freewheeling single life) than they do emphasizing the true happiness as a result of the constitution. But know this: The key word of our motto isn’t the ‘happy’ – it’s our ‘together’-ness.

Just as you strive for win-win deals with others in your business, marriage takes teamwork. The challenge, living in the kind of society we’re in today, is to not let others woo you into thinking you and your spouse are so different that you cannot be on the same team. This also happens when you focus too much on the ‘happy’-ness than the ‘together’-ness, because what’s happening is that you’re letting your pride take the lead. This ego-based psychological system has broken hearts, ruined relationships, and caused unnecessary divorces. Because when one of you “loses”, it’s just personal pride that wins the moment, but you as one and as a whole lose more in the long run.

Thanks to our permanent union, we become better humans as a couple just as well as we are as individuals, because when I see him grin his widest grin, the whole world is alright.